All problems are solve-able as long as you have a bff to grab a margarita with.
Recently a former client of mine from Atlanta reached out to me in an effort to comfort her daughter who is a grad student here in Columbia. The problem- the demise of a relationship that had been solid since high school which resulted in a severely broken heart. She came to me because she was not in a position to make trip and wrap her loving arms around her baby girl and bring her tea and ginger snaps and ice cream and wine (lots of wine) in her time of need. On the phone I did not hear a 50 year old woman talking about her 25 year old daughter, I heard a momma desparate for someone to check in on her daughter who is normally brave beyond brave (homegirl trekked through Argentina and Peru with a backpack and never called home for rescue) and stronger than the 115 lbs might imply.
…..with this call I couldn’t help but relate…and that is the point of this post. Because sometimes it all comes crumbling down and through the tears and anxiety and wine-goggles its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but girls, I am here to tell you it will make sense. YOU WILL BE STRONGER. and fuck him (please please please excuse the language, but when someone inflicts that much pain on another, he/she deserves the harshest words) who needs him. you don’t, thats for darn sure.
I can say all of this with such conviction because I know it, I’ve lived it. Two years ago, this girl was in a relationship that wasn’t toxic, wasn’t bad, was stable. Pretty much a flat line. We had been together since I was 19ish. I had made life decisions based on the promises we made about a future together. We did the long distance thing for the last year of the relationship so that I could pursue my career before I bit the bullet and moved to middle of nowhere for his job. We were good, our relationship typography was that of Wyoming. No real ups no real downs. And then sh*t hit the fan and we were in Spain and it blew up and ended and it freaking ended. I thought/hoped we just needed to get back home on familiar turf and figure this out. We had weathered a lot in 6 years, surely this was not going to be the end.
We got home I got back to work in Atlanta and started noticing changes within myself that were the result of a new insecurity that I had never had. Insecurities that I was not comfortable having. I told no one (at his request) not a soul, I bottle up this huge deal that we had decided to take a break and only I could know. This was a huge deal, I couldn’t eat, sleep, work, breathe without feeling like I was going to break at anysecond. And then I broke, in my tiny closet of an office with my greatest friend 2 feet away the flood gates opened. I could barely make syllables into words into sentences. But she knew, with the look in my eye and the snot on my face she knew all I wanted was to unload and she let me. We decided margaritas were the immediate cure and telling our boss needed to wait until some of the emotion settled. note: the environment in which I worked was very personal and my coworker is one of my best friends and my boss was my saving grace.
Those winter months felt longer than long. Days blurred together and my mom made 2 emergency trips to check on me. It. Was. Bad…..until…. it wasn’t. My boss and I finally talked about it, and he being the ultimate realist at the time said “listen, I hear you saying you miss a lot of things, your life, your dog, his family. But Voni, you haven’t once said you miss him.” And that was that. Real talk.
Two days later on February 12, 2011 I received the text that would change my life. My now husband sent me a message that said we should grab a drink the next time he was in town. My smooth reply: is my mom paying you? (jury is still out on that)
The whole point is, there was a reason for every bit of that. And now, I am honestly grateful that guy had the guts to “take a break” because I am so lucky for it. Almost daily I find things that reaffirm I am right where I am supposed to be. I was supposed to be in Atlanta to teach me so much about myself, I was supposed to feel the biggest heartbreak 4 states away from my family so I could learn to lean on those around me because they truly cared about me too. Heartbreak will be crippling and painfully gut wrenching. But love feels so much better on the other side. Its okay to miss your dog, its normal to miss your life, and its amazing that you miss his family. They were all integral parts of the train ride on this journey. It will make sense, one day, someone or something will trigger that screw you feeling and you’ll regain control.
I can say honestly, truly, whole-heartedly, your new destination will make the trip worth the hurt and pain.